My Life and Me

Update

Fri, 27 Oct 2023 08:57:30 GMT

It's been a while since I last updated my blog so thought I would write a little.

As I mentioned in a previous blog a lot of things can trigger my eating disorder to get worse and unfortunately what my cousin did to me has. I would like to give her a massive pat on the back for being so spineless and greedy, I know she will read this at some point so I hope that she can live with herself as I personally wouldn't dream of doing what she did to me to anyone. For someone that showed so much compassion to begin with can turn so nasty is beyond me, I can only assume it's all a mask of what she is as a real person and that is her problem not mine, what goes around comes around. What really really makes me angry is the fact that she took money from my Mum and now she has no money and contemplating on giving her home up! I don't care about me as I know I'll get through it, but my Mum who is in her late 70's, wow what a big person both my cousin and her husband are! I am so glad I am not like them.

That's my winging done, I don't want to waste anymore energy being angry so it's time to try and move on.

I had my assessment at the eating disorder specialist and now been diagnosed with anorexia, but this time I am engaging and have attended a group session (not too sure what I make of that yet) and also having weekly therapy. I'm determined to get myself better, if not for my sake for my kids as they are my world. I am so proud of my kids, with everything that has happened in the past 6 years they have grown to be strong individuals and show so much confidence.

I'll keep you updated as and when xx

Where I am now?

Sun, 14 May 2023 15:20:42 GMT

I've spoken about my emotional wall and it's still there, I feel pretty numb with everything that has happened. What I can say is it took a lot of courage to open up about my past and to reach out for support.

My eating disorder is still there, I have gone through a breakdown, the process of a divorce, the police and CPS so I can now try and overcome this illness.

I still have negative feelings about myself, and I am still worried about what the future holds.

I can say that for the first time in a long time, I am thinking clearer than I ever have. I will not allow anyone to knock me down anymore. Yes, I am back in debt but as I have said before money doesn't buy you happiness, people do. Of course, you can't live without money, but money isn't a big factor for me, I've never really had it which is probably why I value people more (and why I'm skint lol).

It is all baby steps, but I hope that in a few years' time I will no longer be in the shadow I have lived in for many years.

I just hope that this is encouragement for those that are where I was. I have learnt that you can't bury trauma, you have to face it head on and this will allow you to heal. You'll never forget, but in time it won't control your life anymore.

For those that have been there to support me I really am thankful, I will include my cousin despite what she has done to me.

I stumbled across a song on spotify , it's by RAYE 'Ice Cream Man and the lyrics written would relate to a lot of people, it's a pretty powerful song, listen to it if you can, here are a couple of chorus's:

' I should've left that place as soon as I walked in, how god damn dare you do that to me, really?'

'Everything you did, it left me in a ruin'

'I pushed it down, but it was living in me rent free and then I fell into some things that were unhealthy, a place where no one heard me and asking them to help me'

'I wish I could say how I feel, how I felt and explain why I'm silently blaming myself, 'cause I put on these faces pretending I'm fine, then I go to the bathroom and I press rewind. In my head. always going round and round in my head. Your fingerprints stuck a stain on my skin,. You made me frame myself for your sins.

'You pathetic, dead excuse of a man'

My Impact Statement

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 15:04:18 GMT

Making this statement has to be the hardest thing I have ever written.

I am making this statement in relation to when I was raped at the age of 15 by ***** ********.

I was a young & well-behaved girl. I was enjoying life and never got into trouble. From the moment I was raped my life changed forever. my personality changed, I no longer liked myself, I no longer cared for myself, I hated myself. Emotionally this crime has torn me to pieces.

I kept everything to myself, only told my best friend straight after it happened. It wasn't until a few years later I told my mum but unfortunately nothing was ever done.

I tried to carry on as normal, but I would find myself binge drinking to cope with my emotions. I drank until I couldn't remember.

I have been suicidal at different periods of my life some of which nobody knows about as I close myself in. I also took risks, I would purposely walk into roads, knowing that there was oncoming traffic. On one occasion I climbed a barrier next to the Wyvern Theatre with the intention to jump but was pulled back by the bouncers of the nightclub that was open at the time.

I was serving my own life sentence of self-hatred and loneliness. I had nowhere I could turn to, I felt ashamed and scared nobody would believe me. I was a shadow of my former self.

No physical scars, but emotional scars that will never heal.

I have had minimal relationships although I wanted to be loved and respected. I have always struggled to be intimate, to enable me to cope with this I would drink, and I have always hated it.

5 years ago, I decided to try and deal with what I had carried for years on my own, so I contacted SARC. This was the first time I had started to open up. During this period, I struggled, I suffered anxiety, having panic/anxiety attacks and feeling emotions I had never felt before. I started to feel mentally and physically sick. I suffered with high blood pressure, started to stockpile tablets as I was desperate for the pain to go away.

With the support I changed GP surgeries and was taken to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressants. My physical heath suffered; my eating became more restrictive, so I was encouraged to tell my GP. She then referred me to the mental health team which subsequently referred me to an eating disorder clinic. I have been an outpatient with them twice and was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I was advised that it was likely that it was due to control as it has been the only thing, I have been able to control.

I still suffer from depression and still have an eating disorder. I struggle to listen, help myself as I have no respect for myself.

I have support but feel like a burden, so I don't open up. They have enough going on in their lives and why should they support me when I don't listen.

Every day I wear a mask and every day I cry.

My innocent was taken away by an individual that thought it was OK to do so.

I don't know if I will ever recover from what has happened. I don't know if I will ever have another relationship. I don't know what the future holds. I just know that I have suffered in silence for too long and he needs to take responsibility of what he has done not just at the time, but all the suffering since.

My meeting

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 14:42:08 GMT

The day arrived of my long awaited meeting. This was my moment to raise concerns on how I was treated, my chance to understand their reasons.

I met the stand in ISVA and we went onto a teams call, there was the person that did my review at CPS, a senior member of the team that oversees the area of CPS and someone taking minutes. She introduced herself and went through the processes. I already knew the processes as I had looked it up.

I asked why my letters were being sent insecurely, raised GDPR with them. I was told that they never send letters on a Friday due to the weekend and helplines not always belong available, this did happen once. I also asked why the wrong police station was used in the letter.

I then asked about the ID issue and it was explained that this was no longer the issue as he could be identified if needed as someone that had given a statement last seen him 5 years ago.

Then it went onto the consent issue and I told them how it made me feel. Now the law back in 1991 is different to what it is now, I was told that if it happened after the law changed in 2003 it would have gone to court and probably given a guilty verdict, however prior to 2003 the law was different, the Sexual Offence Act of 1956 meant that no matter if it went to court they would not get a guilty verdict.

I had already accepted it wouldn't go further but I wanted to get a better understanding, you see when you read something it is different to having the one to one, you can ready something completely different. I wanted an apology on the way I was treated and the pro longing of it, I did get this.

This meeting was the meeting I wanted to then put closure on this, I didn't cry I just wanted the answers and I did get them. I did say I understand although I disagree, I did say this means that there are others that have encountered what I have but have not got justice because of the 1956 Act, she agreed but there is nothing that nobody can do.

After the call the ISVA asked if I wanted a call in a few weeks, I thanked her but said no. I said this is the moment I need to put some sort of closure on this, time for me to try and get myself better.

I left and felt like my opinions were heard and she did say she would follow some of them up in meetings to try and change the way that people are treated. It won't help me, but I'm hoping it will help someone else.

The following day I built a fire in my garden with all the paperwork relating to CPS. I have not however burnt the impact statement I have written as I want this to be heard, I want others that have committed these offences to understand how much it can change someone. It'll be a difficult read for some, but I was prepared to stand in court and read it so I am prepared for it to be heard this way. Once I have posted it I will then burn it. This has consumed me so much of my life, well most of it and I don't want it to consume me anymore. It will never go away, but it will no longer control me.

During this period

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 14:16:28 GMT

I've mentioned my cousin a few times in these blogs, and she was very supportive when I was having my breakdown. This I do acknowledge, and I will always be thankful for. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here now and I'll never forget this.

My cousin meant the world to me and I confided more to her than I had ever done to anyone else. I trusted her like I had never trusted before and she was my rock.

As I have mentioned, I run a business and at my lowest time she offered to help (being paid to do it) to which I accepted. On one occasion I made a passing comment about her coming on board within my business. It was bought up again by her, at her house as she stood by her doorway and said that if she paid some money for shares I could get myself out of debt, she said she would do the training etc., so would add value to my business. Like I said I trusted her.

Fast forward to 2021, right around the time I heard from CPS, right about the time I was extremely low she arranged an Accountant to produce the share certificates, they valued my business extremely low and before I knew it 50% of my business belonged to her. She didn't at one point thank me or give me a penny.

Move forward a few months she became less involved, was too busy being what I call a del boy. Ducking and diving in lots of different things to get other sources of income. In the meantime I was so stressed with my workload, it didn't sit right with me that she was earning exactly the same as I was yet doing very little. Now she would dismiss this comment as she truly believes that what she did warranted her pay, but I can honestly say it didn't and she can't deny what she said to me about paying money for the shares or to do the training.

During the time my cousin was a Director was the first time I had ever made a loss on my business, so I analysed the accounts (I usually left this to her) and then I wanted to speak with her in person. I drove to her house, felt completely unwelcomed and she decided the do a personal attack on me. I was so stunned and shocked, I actually couldn't respond not until a few days later.

A few months later nothing had improved so I decided to find out exactly what she was doing for the business so I accessed her emails to discover she had deleted emails from the deleted box, I restored them and looked through each and every one of them I was absolutely mortified to find out how little she was doing. I think I only came across a dozen emails that related to the business, the rest were her company accounts for her other business, purchase of a property they were investing in, business plans for the property investment, personal pension withdrawals, business coaching by someone that has multiple failed businesses, promoting an unregulated ponzi scheme and so much more. Because of what I discovered and her attack on me that day I asked her to leave the business. I could no longer work with someone that thought so little of me.

Now when I asked her to leave all she was interested in was money, now bearing in mind the year she was a director I made a massive loss, but she still asked for money for the shares she had not paid for, £30k!, yep you read it right £30k. Of course she didn't stop there and between her and her husband they became quite spiteful, redundancy, computer, membership to networking (which she actually didn't continue to do) . She knew full well how much the business meant to me, I had built it up from nothing by myself and sacrificing a lot. I was so scared she was going to sell the shares to someone else I ended up paying and getting myself back into debt.

To this day I can't understand how anyone can treat another like this, obviously money rules her and her husbands head. It's all about status with them, they want to portray themselves as being more superior than others. All I can say is crack on, it won't necessarily make you happy. In total over the duration of 4 years she had approx. £145k from me, I was sad enough to add it all up.

I'll never forgive her for what she has done, what they did is a pretty vile act. A lot of people have said she took full advantage of me when I was in a bad place and a huge amount of people are not impressed.

I ended up moving the business completely away from near my cousin, which meant I had to let the staff go there. They walked the day I told them even though I was giving them notice, no fighting for their job, nothing. I saw them exit my cousins office, so again she probably influenced them and thought I wouldn't be able to cope, but what she forgets is I built this business up from nothing, I know it inside and out, plus nothing gets past me. It was completely the right thing to do and was made a lot easier after I discovered something which shocked me, a few words were said to me which were actually quite personal, but quite laughable.

Another review

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 13:02:01 GMT

I started to come to terms that the case would not go to court, but I wanted answers.

I waited patiently for the result from the final review, I got a text out of the blue from my ISVA to check I was OK. I replied by saying yes, why? She had only been sent the letter via email and not me a week or so before I eventually got it. This time is was sent with a password. I opened it alone and this letter was so detailed it shook me. They upheld the CPS decision, but I was still so confused and wanted answers.

I emailed CPS to request a meeting, they accepted this but it took a very long time to arrange. By this time my ISVA had left her employment so I requested a stand in ISVA just so I had a second pair of ears to listen.

Review

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 12:57:01 GMT

I've learnt to never jump and make rational decisions; I always want to evaluate everything before making it.

In time I read the letter and still couldn't get my head around it. Surely someone should be held responsible for this.

As part of the process, I could ask for a review of the case, CPS actually don't give you very long to make this decision and I personally think they should extend this time, it will help those that struggle with the decision to decide on what they want to do.

Because I was dissatisfied with the outcome, I eventually emailed CPS, I asked for a review. I wanted to know why this decision was based on his identification. Nobody changes that much that they cannot be recognised, he had a trail of arrests and convictions that proved he was who he was. I was even finding myself contacting the library to see if there were any stories written about him and any photos.

CPS are only given a limited time to review a case, mine was actually extended due to the complexity of the case. Eventually I got a response, it was emailed to me insecurely. It started off by saying that I had reported the incident in a completely difference police station to the one I did report it too, it also had quite personal details on the letter. The decision was still to not take it further, but it was a completely different reason. I was told that they were satisfied that he was who he was, however, it was now because of consent.

This shook me to the core as it felt like I had wasted the police time and I was now being disbelieved. I was angry, I had no confidence in the CPS, they got basic information wrong on the letter. The main reason was because I didn't say the word 'no'. I froze when it happened, I was a vulnerable 15-year-old that had no idea what was going on, he did not allow me to leave and would not let me go.

Again, I wasn't satisfied with the decision, it just didn't make sense to me, so I asked for another review, the final one that I was allowed. This time it would be done by someone independent.

The decision

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 12:39:12 GMT

Eventually the time arrived for me to go to the SARC centre, I arrived at the same time as my ISVA and I knew straight away that it was not the news I wanted to hear.

We both entered the room along with the officer in charge and sat down. He asked how I was and I told him I wasn't having a good day and it's about to get worse isn't it? He replied with, yes. CPS were not going to prosecute and the reason was his identification. I couldn't get my head around this, the hostel was very small and he had a sibling there so how hard could it be to identify him?

I was told that he had been traced by a witnesses statement, however when he was arrested back in the 90's for an offence he commited whilst at the hostel no prints were taken and no photo was taken. He had actually gone to prison for this offence, yet the police had not done the correct procedure in his arrest. CPS also stated that there was more than one person with his name and date of birth, again I was very confused, I had done a lot research into him and I knew that there was only one person of this name and date of birth in Swindon? There had been another failing in the system, he had been arrested on several occasions and when someone is arrested/found guilty they are given a number, however this individual had been given several identification. I had been let down by the system.

I was given a letter that CPS had given the officer. I couldn't read it straight away, I left and went for a drive, ignoring my phone as I did not want to speak with anyone.

This individual changed my life, yet he was allowed to walk free. I endured over 2 years of investigation, why, why, why?

CPS

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 12:27:04 GMT

Before taking a case to CPS the police have to be satisfied that there is enough evidence, the officer in charge had gathered all of the evidence and put the report together. This happened the latter part of 2021.

The CPS have specially trained prosecutors for rape and serious offences.

To decide whether or not to charge the suspect they apply a 2 stage test set out by the Code for Crown Court Prosecutors.

The first stage is the ‘evidential stage’. At this stage the prosecutor reviews all the evidence provided by the police and asks themself the question ‘Is there enough evidence against the suspect to provide a realistic prospect of conviction?’ That means, having heard the evidence, is a court more likely than not to find the defendant guilty?

CPS went back to the officer in charge with several questions, mainly on his identification. The officer went back with the answers and we had to endure more waiting. I told him that when a decision is made I did not want to be told over the phone and asked him to contact my ISVA.

Time went on and eventually I got a call from my ISVA, she wanted to arrange for us to meet at the SARC centre. I had to wait all day, my head was all over the place.

Patience

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 11:08:30 GMT

Now patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay without getting annoyed, upset or angry. I am not a patient person and I'm the first to admit this. I did however have to adopt being patient, I would step away from what I was thinking and would try to understand the situation and why it is taking so long.

As I have previously mentioned an investigation isn't something that can be done immediately, not unless you have strong evidence. You have to be very patient. The police are under resourced and I know this, but it still doesn't help when it is personal to you.

My officer in charge kept contact with me and explained that he was building the case for CPS. I actually take my hat off to the police, they have a tough job. They showed compassion and what was most important to me was the belief and acknowledgement that it did happen.

I continued to focus on my business, kept myself busy and of course continued to do what I could control, my eating or lack of it!

Arrest

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 09:14:23 GMT

As the individual was in prison and because of COVID restrictions the police couldn't interview him immediately, however in time restrictions were lifted. By this time he was no longer in prison, he was out on probation and I've been told living in a hostel.

It was planned that the local force would arrest him and the officer in charge would travel to Leicester. Then on one Sunday I got a call from the police, he had been arrested and interviewed, I sat there trying to absorb what I was being told. He remained silent during the whole interview, not acknowledging or denying anything. He's obviously knows the systems, he has an extensive criminal past.

Because he remained silent during the interview meant only one thing, the police had to prove beyond reasonable doubt which wouldn't be easy because he happened so long ago.

Start of the investigation

Thu, 21 Jul 2022 15:11:25 GMT

Within a few weeks I received communication from the police, a new detective was taking the case over. He was introducing himself as the new office in charge. I was so relieved to hear from them, I wanted to be taken seriously but more so I wanted to be believed. Most people that have been raped do not report to the police with the fear of not being believed and because of the justice system.

Now you often see on TV the detective solving the case literally straight away, but this is not the case. I'm the first to admit I'm not a very patient person when waiting for something. The police are supposed to keep you updated every 28 days so right at the beginning I was getting a little frustrated if I didn't hear anything so found myself contacting them.

After my ISVA got involved I started to get more regular updates. I didn't care if there were no changes in the case, I just wanted that communication and for them just to touch base.

In time the detective had gathered a few statements, of course this also had to be done differently because of COVID which also delayed this process. He was still trying to find the right person which was more difficult because of the years that had past.

Gradually we came out of lockdown and things started to get back to some sort of normality.

Months went by and I felt that there was uncertainty as to whether the police were managing to find him, it wasn't until after a conversation with someone that I got an understanding of this individuals criminal past and family, he had a brother that had also lived at the hostel. With this information I got in touch with the detective to let him know what I had found out and he was keen to speak with the person that had disclosed this to me, the following day he took a statement.

Through this statement and information he had gathered the detective got a positive ID on him. When he told me my blood ran cold, I was scared and worried that he or someone else would come after me. I raised my concerns with the officer, but he reassured me. I found out he was in prison up north, this was a massive relief to me and sums up what type of person he is.

COVID

Thu, 21 Jul 2022 14:46:47 GMT

Literally within days of making my report to police the government announced that we were going into lockdown.

As we all know going into lockdown caused major issues for all organisations in the UK. I know as a business owner I panicked, I had grown the business from nothing and I was scared that all my hard work would disappear, but thankfully it didn't.

I was still working with the eating disorder specialist, but I could no longer see them in person so communication was initially made via the telephone and then on Teams. I did not adapt to this very well, so within weeks they decided to discharge me. The problem with this was I could not seek support elsewhere, some organisations closed entirely or you could never get an appointment. I suppose I only have myself to blame for this, but I really did struggle to work remotely with them.

COVID has a lot to answer for, it impacted so many people in so many ways and a lot of people lost their lives not just by COVID but because of COVID.

Report to police

Wed, 20 Jul 2022 11:23:51 GMT

For approximately 25+ years I had to tried to cope with what had happened to me when I was 15. I had built this massive wall of defence, rarely showed emotion because of it.

One morning in March 2020 I found the strength from somewhere (I don't know where) to make a report to the police. I had enough of feeling the way I was feeling and I thought that making the report would help me to move on, make me feel better. I knew it was years ago and the chance of a conviction would be pretty low, but I had to do it, I did it for nobody else, but me.

I made the report online, I was still struggling to say the word 'rape', writing it I found easier. Within an hour or so my phone rang, it was the police. They asked me lots of very uncomfortable questions which I really struggled with, but I answered them honestly. After the call ended I cried my eyes out, I felt like the vulnerable 15 year old child, reliving it all again.

Some people were surprised I made the report, but they respected my decision.

Within days I got another call from the police, this time from CID. I spoke to a female officer, she did actually ask me whether I wanted to pursue it! I wasn't really impressed with this, it took me a lot to make the report, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to pursue it. I don't know why she said this, but it felt like she was trying to put me off doing it? She took my initial account and didn't ask detailed questions. I was given an option, a written statement or a video statement, I opted for the video statement.

The day of the video statement arrived and I was feeling very sick. I was about to step into the unknown, I didn't know what they would ask, I thought they may think that my report was pathetic. I nervously stepped into the police station and headed towards the front desk. I gave them the officers name and then sat in the reception area. She came down with another officer, it was explained that she would sit in a different room and watch the interview, asking questions that maybe the other officer would miss, so covering all bases.

The room had sofas in them, she sat opposite to me. She went through some forms and explained that I could stop the interview at any time.

I remembered a lot of what had happened, after all I had relived it over and over again for years. I knew his name, can still picture the rooms in my head, where it was and where he was. It happened at a male hostel in Radnor Street, Swindon, we used to go there as we had a friend that was seeing a resident there. This is the only reason why we were there that night.

I'm not going to go into detail about what happened, all I can say is this individual took my innocence away without my consent, he hurt me and wasn't letting me go. The only reason he did let me go was when my friend was calling for me and as I didn't respond she walked into the room, I was so relieved she did.

I was absolutely devastated about what had happened, my world fell apart and from that moment he changed me as a person.

After I gave my statement I walked out of the police station like a massive weight had been taken off of my shoulders. I had finally found the confidence to do something about it.

I then contacted SARC in the hope that the ISVA I did work with was still there, I'm so thankful she was.

The next few years

Wed, 20 Jul 2022 08:18:51 GMT

My divorce finally came through. I managed to keep the house, only because he couldn't afford to contribute towards it or get a solicitor. I worked very hard to keep it, there wasn't much money in it, but it was mine. I slowly built my credit up and for the first time in years I was no longer in debt.

My daughter got through her GCSE's and passed them, I also paid for her driving lessons and I'm pleased to say she passed first time (just like me).

I asked my ISVA to hold off any more support as there was not much more they could do at the time, so they filed my report in their system. I knew that I could always contact them if I ever needed too.

As my business was my go to mechanism it had grown and a decision was made to recruit for the first time. When I started my business it wasn't to be rich, I wanted to prove the doubters wrong and also to make my Dad proud. My Dad died in 2007, he was a very hard working man and adored his family, I think he would be proud? I also wanted to give others opportunity to work for me. I think my honesty is what my clients like, I'm normal (well as normal as can be) and not arrogant like some business owners can be because the power goes to their heads. I treat others the same as I would like to be treated and give respect for those that earn it. It hasn't always been easy, I have made mistakes and I have met some nasty people which have only had one intention, to take your money and run. I'm glad I'm not like that, I'm glad I'm not greedy and I would never want to be. You work for what you have, nothing comes for free.

I know good things were happening for me, but I'm always blind to it. I actually don't see any of this as an achievement, it was a case of having to do it to be able to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Although I kept myself busy, I still didn't know what to do or what my next move was, I was like a lost little puppy. To the outside world it looked like I was coping, but actually I wasn't and I was still reliving everything that had happened to me. I was still ignoring my eating disorder and my weight went to an all time low. I had been anaemic for a few years now, I was given tablets but I never took them. I was good at not taking my anti depressants too! In the end I got referred back to the eating disorder specialists, I did some different work with them but I find it hard to listen, to accept support and to like myself. It was around this time I made some decisions that pathed the next few years.

More counselling

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 16:20:58 GMT

I was in regular contact with my ISVA and she knew how low I was. My life had spiralled and I was really struggling. This is when she suggested a different counselling service. I was desperate to feel better so I referred myself.

Now this time I clicked with the counsellor, she got me and I liked her. Although my marriage was still a big issue so was talked about, she did manage to get me to open up a bit about what happened to me when I was 15. I still couldn't say the word, but it was progress. This is the moment I realised I was not to blame for what had happened, it had only taken about 25 plus years for me to realise this. I did not want it, he did not let me go, he was to blame.

We also spoke about my family and what it was like back then. My brother caused a few issues when we were younger so all of my parents attention went to him. I don't think it would be fair for me to write about him, but when I was younger any problems I had I always dealt with them, I never wanted my parents to have any problems with me.

We did also speak about my eating disorder, but I always rolled my eyes and ignored anything that was said about it.

I saw this counsellor for about a year and then I decided that I couldn't do any further work, but I can say she gave me more confidence and I couldn't have wished for a better counsellor. I'll be forever grateful, thank you.

Loneliness

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 06:06:08 GMT

Humans are social creatures that will often help one another, however w hen my husband and I split up the people I did call friends dropped like flies. A lot of rumours were going around and unfortunately they have only listened to one side of the story or have made assumptions.

Now being on my own I can cope with, but loneliness is completely different. I literally wasn't seeing anyone, I never got invited to anything and with COVID this of course got worse.

As I had been suffering with depression and now I had been diagnosed with an eating disorder I started to cocoon myself. I didn't want anyone to see me as my physical appearance has changed so much and if I did see someone I knew in a shop they would turn around and say 'gosh you've lost a lot of weight'. Talk about stating the obvious, I could have quite easily turned around and said 'gosh your fat', but I'm not like this as I have more compassion.

Other incidents would be when I have been walking along and had people point fingers and whisper, there was one time I was in a local B&M store where I had seen a friends sister and mum, they were in front of me in the queue. I would have avoided that queue if I had realised and wish I did as they decided to stare, whisper and laugh.

People can be so cruel and insensitive.

The once very sociable person I now have anxiety being around others and I hate it. I feel constantly lonely, empty and unwanted. I know it's up to me to combat this, but when you have felt like this for a number of years I wouldn't even know where to start. I wish I could just click my fingers, be back to the person I used to be and I hope that one day I will be.

My way of coping

Sun, 17 Jul 2022 15:17:26 GMT

There is a song by Pink called Happy, the words to this song more or less mirror how I feel (although my age would be 15).

'Since I was 17, I've always hated my body and if feels like my body hated me. Can someone find me a pill to make me unafraid of me? Seen every therapist, but I'm a cynical bitch. Don't like to talk about my feelings'.

Without realising it we call all find ourselves building an emotional wall to protect us from being hurt.

I believe I started to construct my wall during my childhood. I was bullied for the first 3 years of secondary school, so to avoid conflict and unwanted emotions I started to build my wall to cope and to allow me to still function. It helped to distance myself from the children that were bullies.

During the years I have slowly built my wall and because of all the traumatic experiences my once small wall has become so high that I rarely show or talk about emotions.

I knew I had to tear down my wall down to be able to move on, but I feared and still fear that I will not be able to cope, I feared and still fear my grief and tears that I have held in for so long will not stop. I was and still am scared to let go of something that has lived and protected me for nearly all of my life and I don't trust myself to handle it in a controlled way. I don't want to be left open for anyone to hurt me again.

I knew at this point that I must see someone about how I was feeling. M y ISVA had suggested seeing a counsellor which I agreed too. I just wanted to stop and still do want to stop how I feel.

You know when you meet someone you either click or you don't click? This counsellor I didn't. I wasn't ready to open up about what happened to me when I was 15 so I always skirted around it. I basically talked about my husband as of course I was still having to deal with him. I think she must have lost her patience with me as she used the word I still find hard to say or write 'rape'. As soon as she did this I never went back or returned the calls.

Around this time my mental and physical health was suffering. Everything was still so overwhelming so I concentrated on what I'm good at and what I can control, restrictive eating. I never admitted I had a problem but after a conversation with a friend she persuaded me to tell my GP, I did at my next appointment. My bloods were always coming back as abnormal so I just explained that my eating was basically non-existent. Showing concerns she weighed me and said she would refer me to a specialist.

I got a letter from the mental health team in Swindon for an appointment. I was dreading it, but I did go. They asked lots of questions, checked my blood pressure, weight and height. I agreed to speak with an eating disorder specialist so awaited another appointment. I still wouldn't admit I had a problem.

Now this appointment I was really dreading, I didn't want to be told what to do, what to eat. I couldn't face this appointment on my own so my cousin agreed to come with me.

Again lots of questions, weighing and then a conversation of what would happen if I continued. She may as well have spoken to the brick wall as I really didn't care. The plan was made that I would go weekly, have my weight monitored and an eating plan. I didn't follow the eating plan and if anything it got worse. Eventually I got discharged, if I wasn't listening there isn't a lot that they can do.

Now for those that don't understand an eating disorder, it isn't necessarily about wanting to be thin, it's a mental health condition. I was diagnosed with 'other specified feeding or eating disorder' OSFED. Basically it's a combination of eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia etc. I was abusing laxatives and on the odd occasion would make myself sick. It's a serious mental illness that is not only about the way I treat food but about underlying thoughts and feelings. I use it to cope with my thoughts and to feel in control. I had a lot going on and because of the way I had been treated for years and years, I had and still have no self worth or self esteem. I am actually scared of feeling better. It's strange to hear someone say that, but I am. I feel I don't deserve to be better and I'm very scared of the future.

For better or worse??

Sat, 16 Jul 2022 09:01:21 GMT

To be loved is all I have ever wanted, to be respected and for someone to be kind to me. It's not much to ask for is it? Unfortunately my marriage didn't feel this way and hadn't for years.

Whilst he was away my physical health started to suffer, my blood pressure was sky high and the doctor was very concerned. I was told that if it didn't go down I would end up being hospitalised. My potassium levels were also low, but this is highly likely down to my appetite being extremely poor. I was given medication for this, but it still didn't improve.

I knew that he had to return from his travels and this is when I was starting to have anxiety and panic attacks. I was so scared.. I couldn't sleep and felt suffocated.

Now I took my marriage very seriously, I took the vows and when I did I meant every word or it, but it was playing in my head around and around all the time, 'what should I do'? I had 2 choices, let it carry on and get worse or ask him to leave. I knew that if he came back it would finish me off so the only other choice was to ask him not to return. Now I had to consider my children, how would they feel, how would they react? My daughter was coming up to her GCSE's, would this cause her distress which would then damage her grades? I then took a step back and realised that if he did come back it would also mean that home life would not be great for them neither and it would be even worse than it was before he went away. This is when I decided I at least wanted a break from him to then make my decision.

I decided that I would write a letter and then send it to him when he arrived back in the UK, he knew things weren't right before he went away and he also knew that things weren't right when he was away. I sat there all afternoon writing a letter. The letter explained how I was feeling, that I was unwell and needed a break to try and bring my blood pressure down. Some people may think that writing him a letter is a cowardly way to ask him not to come home, but I knew that if I tried to talk to him he would turn it around and I would then feel guilty. I know that it was the right thing to do.

The day arrived when he was coming back and early that morning I sent him the letter, turned my phone off and went off to a doctors appointment. After my appointment I turned my phone back on and of course he had tried to call me several times, I did speak with him but he would not accept not coming home, after someone intervened he went to stay at his mums.

My children were at school and I needed to tell them what was happening, but before I got a chance to he had already contacted them. They were upset, but I am proud at how they handled it.

My advice to anyone in a situation like this and don't have a support network around you, there are other places you can get support, your GP being one of them. No one should feel the way I did, you deserve to live with dignity and trust me when I say this, you will feel in yourself so much better. It's hard to break free, but it is possible.

Breakdown

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 09:29:46 GMT

I find it hard to express into words how I was feeling during this period, as some of it I actually can't remember, but I will try my best.

Whilst I was awaiting a call back from SARC, my husbands behavior towards me was not great. I had no self-esteem or self-worth, the only way I can describe this is by someone with a hammer just chipping away. I was feeling emotions I had never felt before, I was being physically sick, felt afraid, guilty, ashamed and my appetite diminished. At this point, I would have been quite happy to call it a day and end it all. This is when I started to drink more than usual to try and cope with my emotions and I was also starting to stock pile tablets. I now know that the drinking only temporarily numbs the pain, but at that moment in time it was only thing I knew.

I did get a call from SARC and I was allocated an ISVA (Independent Sexual Violence Advisor). I didn't actually know an ISVA existed or what they did, so I'll give a brief explanation. The core principles of an ISVA is to provide tailored support, provide accurate & impartial information, emotional & practical support, ensure safety and provide support should you decide to report it to the police and it goes to court. I visited the SARC centre and forms were completed, I believe they were to assess my needs?

Now at this point in time I had so much going on and was really struggling, I was trying to run a business, a home, my relationship with my husband was not great and I was trying to deal with SARC. Again, I thought that alcohol would help me, but it didn't. I went to see my GP and he supplied me with boxes of anti depressants, which I actually find pretty astounding considering my mental state at the time!

At this point I had hit an all time low and one evening I went to bed with the intentions to end it, I text my cousin to say thank you and sorry, but I couldn't even get that right as I fell asleep! She of course called me in the morning concerned and I told her I wanted to die, with my permission she contacted my ISVA who then called me to check on me. She recommended a counselling service which I agreed to try.

With the help of my cousin I registered with a new GP as I refused to go back to the one that supplied my boxes of tablets, I got an appointment with the new GP very quickly and my best friend came with me. Now this GP was more sincere and she told me that suicidal thoughts would pass, I was then prescribed a weeks worth of tablets and she made another appointment.

My husband went away with his friends and I was actually looking forward to some calm, but this is when everything felt like it was collapsing around me. My drinking became more heavy and my daughter became very worried about me. The following days are very much a blur, but my best friend was called out to me (I can't remember this) and then the following day my cousin travelled to Swindon. This is when my Mum was told what was going on.

I never spoke about it, until now

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 10:55:38 GMT

I had been married for approx. 18 years and like every marriage it starts with the honeymoon period, where you build trust, can see no wrong, and you love them.

Unfortunately, in 2017 our marriage was not a healthy marriage and became quite toxic. It was following a verbal encounter with my intoxicated husband that triggered what I was holding in for so long to come out.

I won't go into too much detail of what was said as I want to protect those close to me, however I can say that the evening this happened I went to bed in floods of tears and a feeling of guilt that I could not be intimidate. It was this moment that I decided that I had to do something about it, to try and help me move on.

It's extraordinarily difficult to admit that you had been raped as you be afraid of how others will react and scared that you will be judged. I had not spoken about it in years, I suppose if I didn't speak about it, it felt like it wasn't there! However, avoiding what had happened to me had actually prevented me from healing. I had to find someone I trusted, someone that may understand, and this is when I thought of my cousin, she had been in the police force.

I couldn't say the word 'rape', so I sent her a message via Facebook, she did try to call but I was in so much turmoil I couldn't speak.

The following day I contacted my cousin again and this is when she suggested SARC (Sexual Assault Referral Centre). I had never heard of this place before, so for those that don't know it's an independent and impartial charity. They offer medical, practical and emotional support. Speaking to SARC does not mean you have to report to the police.

I was in 2 minds whether to contact them, I was scared to open up and to say the word out loud. I waited until I was alone and as calm as I could be, I then nervously picked the phone up. They didn't put any pressure on me but took down some information and advised me that someone would be in touch.

Where to start?

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 14:23:21 GMT

The beginning I suppose?

I have often been told that writing a journal helps you to deal with emotions and I can say that it actually does. I hear you asking, why write a blog for others to read? I want to write this blog to help others and to tell others you are not alone. I also want this to highlight where it all happened. I am almost certain that I am not the only one that this happened to at a Swindon hostel in Radnor Street in the 90's.

OK, here goes. To prewarn you I am not expert in writing so please excuse any gramma mistakes.

I have never sat down to write about my feelings, I have never wanted anyone to know about my past. I don't want sympathy and I find it hard to accept care or support. I've always been the carer.

My story is riddled with very uncomfortable memories which I am still struggling with, but I do feel that sharing my story will, I hope, help others through some dark periods in their life.

My story actually goes back to the 90's, but it raised its ugly head 5 years ago. It's so true when people say you need to talk as it will eat at you, trust me it did, and it did for years. I'm good at ignoring my feelings and putting a mask on, often joking to avoid any subject I don't want to talk about, but it really isn't doing me any favours whatsoever.

The word survivor is often used for a victim of rape, I actually don't like this word as it categories you. I'm not a survivor, I am just 'me'.

Anyone that experiences sexually assault or rape will face extremely difficult and painful emotions and each individual will deal with it in their own way. The effects can be short term or last even longer, I'm the latter. It happened to me when I was 15 and now in my 40's I am only just trying to make sense of it all.

The most common and lasting effects of rape involve mental health and diminished social confidence, yes there are also physical effects and when it happened to me this was the case but it's the mental health that can be prolonged and more difficult to overcome. I blamed myself for years, I've been told that self-blame is an avoidance-based coping tool, but it can slow or even stop the healing process. There are also other common emotional and psychological effects of rape:

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Depression

Flashbacks

Borderline Personality Disorder

Sleep Disorders

Eating Disorders

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Guilt

Distrust of Others

Anger

Feelings of Personal Powerlessness

I had my trauma tucked away in a box for years, but 5 years ago the lid came off and it was like I was that vulnerable 15-year-old again and out of this list I would say I fall into nearly every psychological effect.